Betrayed by My Own Mind: The Dark Deceit of Mental Illness and How to Break Through (Part 3)

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Overcoming the wiles of mental illness takes fortitude, but most of all, it takes a plan. Matter of fact, our greatest power comes from within. It's all about how you think about it.

Recently, I experienced a panic attack. It wasn’t my first. And it wasn’t my second. I lost count after the first year.

It has been about 8 or 9 years now.

I’m so accustomed to the panic attacks that I know when they are going to happen. I’ve learned so many coping mechanisms to prevent them from going full on, but sometimes, they are unavoidable. And those are the times I just have to, as I call it, “ride it out”. 

Have you ever felt what a panic attack feels like?

I refer back to the title of this series… Betrayed by my OWN mind.

The panic attack … the feelings of overwhelm… the feelings of out of control… all in my head. That’s where it started, that’s the playground for more thoughts to keep the feelings stirred up…. All in my head.

The thoughts are running a million miles a minute and you can’t stop them. They keep repeating themselves.. the thoughts that creates the panic in the physical body magnifies and gets stronger and stronger. 

Louder and louder. Until you feel like you can’t breathe. 

Heart palpitations. Shortness of breath. Sharp pains in the chest. 

If you don’t regain control of your breathing, you could end up in cardiac arrest or die. Those are the two outcomes if you don’t regain control of your out of control mind when it is overactive.

I could flex my medical, clinical, psychological, scientific knowledge about the subject and my direct experience with it. This would be the perfect time to do that.. except… I am not here to convince you of any damn thing! I don’t have to “prove” that I know what I know about panic attacks with some educated jargon or quantitative data with infographics and what not.

I don’t want to write about why I am having panic attacks. There’s tons of resources available on mental illness from a physical and metaphysical standpoint. 

I am writing to to my fellow mind impaired friends to show you how you can live a life free from the panic attacks (or free from the control of them). Free from the dark rooms. Free from the nightmares. From a physical AND spiritual point of view.

Truth be told, those tormentors in your head, those emotions and feelings that control your behavior and keep you isolated and in fear — those are demonic spirits. The very word “torment” is what demons do, they torment you with feelings of hopelessness, vulnerability and sin.

It is a great deception to use cover up words like anxiety, depression, mental illness – just because saying “demonic spirits” is too scary and people are afraid of the truth. Who wants to think about being possessed by an evil spirit when Hollywood has done enough of glorifying the idea??

Though I do not want to elaborate too far into the spiritual world and demonology at this time, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the truth about these “tormentors”. We all have them, but very few will admit it. We’ve been damned and doomed to be labeled as crazy or eccentric or too churchy or too holy or conspiracy theorist… etc., etc., et cetera. So we hide and these tormentors go to work! They love when we isolate ourselves in our own minds (get it… why you cannot trust your mind when it’s under attack?). And then the thoughts of doubt, despair, hopelessness, loneliness, etc. magnifies.

So let me say this one last time as far as the spiritual point of view for mental breakdown: whatever is keeping your thoughts occupied with your past, pain or trauma, at the end of that thing is a demonic spirit, and his job is to afflict you so you are unable to function in your true gift and purpose. 

2 Thessalonians 2:10-12 says

10 And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved.

11 And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:

12 That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.

Once you turn the light on the monster in the dark, you will see that he’s not so scary after all. Because you KNOW.

Proverbs 18:15 (New International Version) says, “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out.”

Every mind impaired person—every one who suffers from mental illness, mind breaks, mind zaps, anxiety, depression, multiple personalities, forgetfulness, double mindedness, addictions, and finally (and this one is a big one), denial—can connect to every word on this page (or screen) whether you will admit it or not. 

Those “fake its til you make its”.. they know what I’m talking about, too. They (the fakes) know all too well what it’s like.

They know what it is like to live in the grave, denying yourself. In that dark, bloody place of guilt and shame. They know all too well what it feels to be abandoned and neglected. Ignored and belittled.

They become a chameleon and change their colors based on their company. You ever met someone like that? They are one way with you, another way on the phone, another way at work, another way in front of authority, another way… geesh .. they change their personalities so much they don’t even know who they are! They are chameleons.

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Story time: When I first moved to Ghana, one of my first challenges where the chameleons and my absolute terror of them! And them suckers were EVERYWHERE!!! With no respect of your personal space! Anywhere there was dirt or grass or trees (hello Africa), those little things were. 

And OMG when they came in the house and climbed the walls with their little ugly feet… I pissed myself several times! 

I call them “creepy crawly” and I don’t do creepy or crawly! And I hate them. Passionately and unapologetically. Hate them. They are creepy and crawly and (say it with me) I don’t do creepy or crawly!

Truth be told, I made a plea to God. Yes, I took it to the Man Upstairs (we all know He’s not upstairs but just let me tell my story please).

Seriously, I prayed about these creepy crawly things because they were literally everywhere. Outside, inside, they have no respect.

And everyone who were accustomed to them moved along their day as if they didn’t see that huge long green sometimes orange monster just walk across the street! Or climb up the fence of the compound you’re walking on. Or sit next to the pool you’re swimming in at the hotel! (Whisper… every where)

I was freaking out. So as I said, I took it to God. I knew I was here in Africa to trace my roots. I came with a mission, but I don’t do creepy crawly. So “one of us” got to go!

Thus I exercised my right as the Chosen people of The Most High Elohiym and stood on His Word: 

Genesis 1:26 (New International Version) says, Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

The compromise for my stay here in Africa for the time He has allotted is that those creepy crawly things remain outside of my resting place. And when I see them outside, they will not scare me. I will not be afraid.

Come to find out… those creepy crawly things are more afraid of me than I was of them. As soon as they hear you coming, they take off running for cover. 

Did you catch the moral of the story? I was afraid of something for nothing. But it wasn’t until I took my fear to the Throne (hello, that’s what God wants you to do about every little or big thing in your life) — that’s when my fear was changed to faith. And I spoke in the authority of my faith: I spoke to those creepy crawly things and I said thus:

“Look, I don’t like you. You don’t like me. You stay in your natural habitat, which is outside, and I will be no threat. But as soon as you cross the boundaries of these walls of my resting place, you will die.”

And that has been our agreement since I settled here in Accra, Ghana. I’ve only killed two since I learned how to seal my home in the Spirit.

John 8:36 (King James Version) says, If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

I digress, let’s get back to talking about these chameleons. Not the animal, the people who feel they have to please everyone else just to make a spot for them in this world. 

The one who doesn’t know why they were placed here on this earth when all they’ve experienced was pain and hopelessness. 

The one who has to create a happy space for them in their minds, because their realities are far from it.

How do you cope in a world who denies you… Tells you that you’re crazy and you have no right to feel how you feel. And if you do feel how you feel, shut up about it. Keep it to yourself. Don’t let any one see you break…

So we go on in life unheard. Quieted and disquieted. Afraid of our own shadow. A chameleon who changes its color to blend in and become invisible.

And thus we end up in a mental institution… all in our head. Trapped. Lonely and alone. Anyone outside of our head is incapable of understanding what it is like being in here (in our head).

And the stories go untold…

If you’ve never lost your mind, you don’t know what I’m talking about and this story will go over your head. But if you’ve ever felt unsure in life, wondered how you ended up here, lost and confused, need answers to the hard questions of life… keep reading. Because the tables are about to turn in your favor! It’s time to take control of your life again. It’s NEVER too late. If you’re reading this today or 10 years from today, the power will still be in effect and it’s your move. Either stay where you are, or go where you’ve never been.

Deliverance is here and it’s at your fingertips.

The Path to Restoration: How To Get Your Mind Back

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Deliverance requires you to be an active participant.

I have an assistant here in Ghana. She’s resides in what is considered a poor area in a community (some here call it “slum”) on the outskirts of Accra. When she mentions where she resides, I even see how the educated adults here treat her. I will talk more about that later, in another blog.

Anyhow, her surroundings have caused her to place limitations on her future. She sees herself as poor, ugly, dumb, and a failure.

She’s never said these words per se, but she lives them daily. Every question I ask her, she starts with, “It’s too expensive.” She’s refused herself many available luxuries of life simply by declaring that it’s out of her budget before she even asks the price. 

Furthermore, she doesn’t have a budget. She doesn’t have a financial plan. She doesn’t know when her money is coming in. She’s just allowing life to happen to her. 

Isn’t that like many of us? We just let life happen because we’ve already determined by our past or our trauma, that this is all life has to offer us? So whatever happens, happens. The zeal for life… gone. Along with our hope. 

So we live life, like my assistant, in reactive mode. Never planning for anything, just reacting to whatever happens.

Today, that stops! No more letting life happen. To be delivered from your brain misleading and misguiding you to a world of panic, you have to retrain your brain to be proactive.

To do this, you will HAVE to make bold choices.

Not everyone around you will understand you or your decisions. They will not agree, they will not support. This is NOT about them. They are used to having your full attention on them. Your pain comforted them. Misery loves company. But if you’ve made it this far in the post, oh, you’re in for a treat! Because now I am about to let go of the goods. How I got my mind back! And the process it takes to do it over and over again, because the mentally impaired needs deliverance over and over again. 

It’s a lifestyle of how to deliver yourself. Seriously. I’ve tested this method over and over again, I’m curious to know if anyone else found a different way of coping in this earth with your level of genius and giftedness (oops, did I let the cat out of the bag too soon?). 

Keep reading….

I took inventory of the things I would do when my mind tried to convince me that I no longer deserved to be here. When my mind tried to convince me that the people around me didn’t really love me. When my mind tried to convince me that I was worthless and no one would miss me if I was gone. When my mind tried to convince me of anything different from what GOD has said about or done for me.

What I found was amazing. I found a trend. I found that I always resorted back to my core faith. And it was this faith that saved me to be able to tell you this story. I pray it saves you as well. 

  1. Trust and verify only facts that you can physically prove. The moving mind is unstable and presents unstable data. It creates feelings derived from a negative place in your mind. The impaired mind. So you can’t trust those feelings. Feelings are unreliable in this space. So what is important for you is to create stability. Stability – what never changes no matter what. So when you start to feel yourself getting nervous, or frustrated, or agitated, or irritated, or angry, do NOT trust what your mind is telling you. It’s only stirring up the fire and causing you to feel threatened. Instead, you judge every thought and pick out the ones that are factual and true. The first fact to calm the beast in your head is “You are safe. There is no present threat and the past is harmless.” If this statement is absolutely true, then you can move on to the next phrase: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” When I started my healing journey, I selected two people to support me during my times of doubt. They mutually and enthusiastically agreed to be there for me no matter what. They are my staples. I can trust them when I’m doubting my own existence. And for 8 years, they have been nonstop there for me. Stop eating off of everyone’s table of opinions. Not everyone has your best interest at mind when you are healing yourself. They want you to stay wounded so you can keep serving them with your gifts for free. Those bloodsuckers will be the first to drop off once you start standing on what you know is true about yourself. You are good and you deserve good. But good only comes when you demand it. Trust only what you can prove factually. Everything else is in your head and questionable.
  2. Watch your words. If you can’t catch the thought, catch the action (word) – don’t bring it in the physical. You will learn as you get more acquainted to who you really are and the power within you that your words carry power and action. Those words soaked in your faith carry action. It moves things around you to line up to what you’ve spoken. The entire world operates from words. As a matter of fact, this point is so important, I wrote  the whole last section focused on words! Go there now or keep going.
  3. Keep a normal routine. Laugh and laugh often. Laugh at yourself. I have a friend who says, “get over yourself”. Yeah… so learn to get over yourself. Your pain ain’t special. There is nothing new under the sun. There is someone like you in another culture, in another land that is going through the same and feeling the same way as you. Though many feel the same, there is only one solution: you. You control your feelings, your circumstances, and thus your world. It’s just the pain telling you that you are weak and impotent. Oh, but quite the contrary. It takes something out of this world to deal with the stuff in your head.
  4. Volunteer – find or create a purpose. You actually have one but it’s covered in pain, anxiety and mess. So create a purpose. Which is literally going to be your actual purpose. Sounds confusing? Well keep reading 🙂 Volunteer – help somebody else and brighten someone else’s day. “What you do to the least of mine, you have done unto Me.” On the spiritual side, I dare you to put the Word in action. If you are faithful and busy working to advance the Kingdom of The Most High, you reap the benefits that come from your servitude. He takes care of you. Period. That includes your messed up mind, and impaired brain cells. Healing starts within and spreads without. And effervescent flow. 
  5. Dance!! And when you’ve reached the height of true freedom within, you’lll dance butt naked! In the rain 🙂 go for it (you won’t get sick).
  6. Final Stage: Create. You’re back in the beginning (CTA: Shepherd book affiliate link). Your true makeup at the core of you is the very breath of you: Genesis where Yah breathed His life into us and we became a living soul. When you create, you move in sequence with the Universe and all things align as planned. For I know the plans I have for you… Be you.

I do all of these things regularly, if not every day. It sounds like it’s a lot, but honestly, it’s not. It’s all ministry, and it’s all faith… and it saves me daily. 

It took me 10 years to find my place in this world. Ten years to find this lifestyle that works for me. Ten years to not be controlled by the opinions, feelings and pain of others.

This is my journey. It’s every moment. Every moment I breathe, I extend grace to myself. She’s been through a lot. Most of which will be left behind in books. Some of which will go with her to the grave. But this woman has endured… and she will continue to endure until the very end. Only God knows that part 🙂

“Religion is the yoke that will choke you; but faith is the love that guides your every intention. Don’t be religious, be faith.”

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I Will Say: Your Words Matter

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. -John 1:1 (New International Version)

This whole world operates from a spoken Word.

Genesis 1:3 says, “And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.”

Now, look, this ain’t bible study, but I am trying to make a case here. Remember, my foundation is faith, so though I battle with a natural, mental illness, I am yet under the laws of the spirit – realizing that we both exist in the spirit and natural realms.

Okay, so now that we are clear on where I stand …

I will say this again: the entire Universe operates from words.

Since The Ancient of Ages spoke, “let there be”.. there was.

Tell me, has light ever been anything other than light? For if it ever changed, it would no longer be light. 

I’ll let that sink in.

So since day one, we can all agree that light has always been light. Darkness has always been darkness. The clouds will always be clouds and stay where they are commanded to stay. Even the deep seas, lakes, oceans and other large bodies of water are commanded to occupy their space. Mountains, hills, valleys. 

The earth. 

You.

Yes, you are a part of creation. You are a part of existence. You were spirit before your parents got busy and had sex. You were already formed in the spirit, and so was your purpose.

That’s what I believe.

But this knowledge of who we are is not always released to us early on. Some of us are born with this great knowledge (and it shows by their fruit), and some of us die never knowing how unique and special we are. 

If you’re reading this, then you already know that you are unique and special. You just have to learn how to navigate your uniqueness and your specialness. Trust me, it’s all in your words. How you talk to yourself.

No, not affirmations or standing in the mirror and saying you love yourself.. although that’s how I got my start. I don’t teach that method now, I know of a better, more effective way – speaking straight scripture. No fancy words, no rhymes or rap songs, no turn around 3 times… none of that witchcraft mess. 

The way to our truth is raw, rough, and raggedy. You will hurt and you will hurt badly – you are literally peeling off the rough parts of your psyche and changing how your mind things, analyzes and make judgements. This requires an extreme amount of patience, consistency, and tough skin. And all of that is resting on your very words.

I present to you the parable of the fig tree and Jesus (or Yahusha in Hebrew). Matthew 21:19-22

19 And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away.

20 And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, How soon is the fig tree withered away!

21 Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.

22 And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

The fig tree was cursed because it was not working in its purpose when the Messiah appeared. But what caught my attention in this parable was the fact that the Messiah Himself said that we, the disciples, the guarders of the law and commandments of The Most High… we would be able to speak to mountains and the mountains would obey.

So your words, because you carry the Spirt of The Most High within you, carry with it the weight of being Called and Chosen.

Matthew 22:14 says, For many are called, but few are chosen.

In conclusion, here’s the message: there is NOTHING wrong with you except for one thing – you THINK something is. Once you regain control over your life and happiness, things will make sense and what was once dead becomes alive again. When you speak it.

“Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. It’s the highest level of consciousness.” -African Royalty

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