Betrayed by My Own Mind: The Dark Deceit of Mental Illness and How To Break Through (Part 2)

Part 2 is just as steamy as part 1! Living in your head all day long is probably NOT a good idea, but it does have its benefits.
If you missed Part 1, check it out here.

**Disclaimer: Some of the content in this blog can be triggering. This is my personal story that I choose to share publicly to educate, inform, inspire, and heal. To that effect, all comments have been disabled. To leave a comment or to go into a deeper (more private) discussion, you will have to join my Scribe Tribe on Patreon. Thank you.

Mental work is mental work! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat at this computer to finish this blog. Countless!

I’m a storyteller. I am filled with stories inside this brain (you have no idea).

Yet, on the other side of the coin, I am a heart writer. I tell the stories of the heart. And those kinds of stories can’t be rushed. 

So to cure my perfectionist condition 🙂 and the desperate need to complete something from start to finish, I’ve decided to break up this blog into a series… if you will. 

If you’re following me and this story, you will know that this is also part of my healing work. Healing work that I am demonstrating as I share the secret to my longevity. 

You hear entertainers state, “I’ve lasted 20- , 50 years in this industry.” Or “After 25 years in this industry…” They sport their ability to survive in such a cutthroat industry for a long time. Five years in any industry is not enough. You have to put in time to reap the rewards.

I’m no entertainer… well, in that sense 🙂 I think I’m pretty funny and I’ve been known to make grown men cry.. but that’s off the subject.

I’m no entertainer… let’s start there again. But I’ve been in this emotional pain industry for over 40 years. I’ve been on a tumultuous journey of wanting to live and wanting to die within moments of time, throughout hours of any given day.

Suicidal ideation. I’ve struggled with it for years. But this blog is not about suicide or having thoughts of suicide. It’s a part of my journey and I will share it when I’m ready… this blog is about the MANY things you face when your mind is under duress, but most importantly, how to take control of your mind and your life again. Let me say that louder for the cheap seats:

You can take control of your mind and your life again, even after you think it’s all over. Even after you’ve lost your composure. Even after you’ve thrown a couple of chairs and punched a couple of walls. You can recover. You can regain your composure. You can live again.

This is my story…. Part 2 of Afrikana Limited Series… 

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The Journey of Healing is Long

I tried everything to “fix” myself!

Nothing worked. 

And if it did work, it only worked for a brief amount of time. 

Nothing good ever lasted. 

And that’s the story I told myself. Over and over and over and over.

And guess what eventually happened?

Nothing good! But I kept trying to FIX myself.

Books, therapy, medication, meditation, group support, prayer, exercise/kickboxing, serving others in need, fixing other people’s problems, being a perfectionist at work, excelling in all things, be as good of a person as possible. Be perfect. Be holy. Be what everyone needed when they needed me.

Nothing worked.

My tormenter was still there. He may go away for some time. But he always, in the dark, returned.

You name it, I’ve tried it all! I did everything “they” told me to do to rid myself of this darkness within.

The darkness would go away for a while, but somehow darkness always found its way back to me.

Darkness, bad luck, sick people always found me.

I felt cursed. But my feelings are unreliable.

My feelings lie to me. My feelings and my mind cannot be trusted. 

They tell me that I am constantly in danger. They tell me that no one can be trusted. They tell me that no one understands or cares about me. 

And they pull and feed on every bad and negative situation that happens. Making me feel worse and worse. Sinking deeper and deeper. Into the abyss of despair, pain and loneliness.

My feelings, emotions and thoughts are so powerful that they even CREATE bad and negative situations around me! 

My feelings lie to me. My mind plays tricks on me. They’ve been hurt, damaged, traumatized.

And in the darkness, the tormentor always find me.

Therefore, I must depend on the one part of me that has truly surrendered to the Power and Will of Elohiym … MY SOUL.

23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”-John 4:23-24 (New International Version)

My spirit knows the Truth. And my spirit will lead me out of this darkness.

Peace. 

I’ve felt it before and I will feel it again. 

I will obtain it. I will be grateful for it.

Breakthrough is really breaking through several spiritual realms to reclaim your mind.

Find the root, and uproot it.

Healing Tip: Soursop leaves reduces stress, relieves digestive problems, lowers high blood pressure, and speeds up the weight loss process! And I havea super friend who grows them organically in the Motherland (Nigeria). She has leaves and powder, so go get you some healing in a cup (she ships to the U.S. too) at www.legacysoursoptea.com

Healing work on the mind is slow and gradual, and yet intentional and focused. You have to want it, but most importantly, you have to know you deserve it!

Let’s stop there. The word “deserve”.

If you’re not dedicated to your own healing, you will keep experiencing small triumphs, short-lived victories, and a long list of disappointments. 

No one can keep and maintain your healing but you. And it starts with isolating every ELSE’s opinions, experiences, insecurities, differences, and the sort from your own. Draw the line. Do a divide. Separate the feelings. Give back other people’s opinions, disappointments, shortcomings. Give back their whatever (you fill-in the blank). Just give it back, it’s not yours and you have enough of your own to deal with. There’s a blues song that says, “I can do bad by myself. I don’t need no help to starve to death.” Okurrrrrrrrr 🙂

Okay, I have a short story to tell 🙂 It’s about Pac-Man (the game).

I played this game as a kid. 

I was good. 

Better than good.

The object of the game is for Pac-Man not to get caught and eaten by the ghosts, while eating all of his fruit and pebbles on the board (hey, I was a kid, that’s what I called the little dots on the board). I digress…

I got so good at Pac-Man, that I was chasing the ghosts! I anticipated their every move and chased them off the board!

I had to have been maybe 6 or 7 years old. I can’t remember, but I was young. And I had the fire in me then to not just take life as it happens. I had to find a way to get back in control and win at this thing called life. At that young age.

I saw death all around me. I saw violence all around me. I saw women being beaten and killed and mistreated all around me. Not just in my family. It was all around me. It was a societal problem. It was a systemic issue.

I didn’t know it then, how could I? I was a kid!!!! Life was happening to me and around me, and I had no control over any of it.

Until Pac-Man. 

Pac-Man was my escape. It was my way of gaining control over something. Something that ended in a good reward. Something to look forward to. Something that was a ghost, but didn’t scare me. Instead, the ghosts were scared of me! I gained control of that Pac-Man board and held on to it for dear life. Because it was a matter of life and death. Mine.

That’s how focused and cutthroat you have to be with your healing.

Anticipate the emotion, the spirit, and use your weapon to smash it!!

Well, I’m tuckered out! Lol, I have a friend who uses the most funniest words in the most funniest ways. And being tuckered out is one of hers. I laugh every time she says it.

Shameless Plug: Matter of fact, that same super friend runs her own Virtual Assistant agency where she provides small businesses with virtual assistant support! Check her out at myremoteva.com.

But I digress again, next up… The Path to Restoration: How To Get Your Mind Back

If you want to talk about it in a safe environment, join me on Patreon. That’s where I’ll share more of my “Life in Africa” moments, Aha moments, Life Lesson moments, and other private things I’ve kept behind the scenes for years.

See ya in the next story!

With Love,

Jai aka “Afrikana”

Subscribe for more stories from Afrikana!

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.Maya Angelou

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